What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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