I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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