Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
