Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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