my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
