Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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