I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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