You smell like a Billy Joel song
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
