I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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