Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
