I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
