I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
