Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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