I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
