I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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