i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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