fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize