Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
