She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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