fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
