And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
