we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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