ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
