I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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