i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
