I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
