I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
