So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
