Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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