I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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