FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
