I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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