Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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