You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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