cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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