i think my tv is drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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