I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
