Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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