but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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