Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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