he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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