that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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