I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
