I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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