I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
