So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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