hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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