I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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