I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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