nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
