So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
