I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize