I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
