It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
