tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
