So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Someone shit on the floor
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
